my horrid weekend...i'm so glad its almost over

now that i don't feel so shitted... i've decided that i should blog a more descriptive entry, instead of the cryptic one that i wrote last nite..

my wkend has been really crap... ok la today was not so bad, at least i managed to do some work. but friday & sat was really flat out horrid.

friday

1. someone i know quite well came up to me after ocf & said the most dreadful words to me. sigh. i shan't say exactly what this person said incase this entry is read- cuz u never know who actually does click on the links ya.. so i shall not make the gender specific also.. but suffice it really hurt my self-esteem & made me feel really slighted & that all the effort & discipline i put into my life seems to be all for nothing..

2. had yet another arguement with mum about the same issue we've been debating about since trinity yr- going home late. i tink she just wants me to stay home all the time.. its amazing how much 'work' & 'studying' they expect from me. its not like i'm a social butterfly & that i go out to do bad things. i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't do drugs! she understands that i make it one of my priorities that i go to ocf every friday but she can't understand the responsibilities that i hold. ok for that i guess its my fault cuz i never did make it clear to her my involvement level. so she can't understand when i say i can't leave until the right moment. i mean, as much as i really would like to go home straight after ocf (after all, i get tired also), but i can't just up & leave my cg hanging right? i mean.. supper thou is not compulsory, its kinda the time when we bond & fellowship. how am i supposed to lead a group of pple when i don't even know enough about them personally? sigh..

well ya so she nagged & we argued & i talked back & i raised my voice at her. mum, i really didn't want to be rude to you, but just sometimes i can't stand it anymore & i just need to make u see my point! God, its so hard to fufill Your command abt honouring your parents, esp when they don't see my serving You as a priority.. i'm finding it so hard to be a good daughter to my parents & be a good daughter to God also. sigh. the clash of 'personalities' -for lack of a better word- is so hard to overcome.

saturday

to top off the awful night i had.. i JUST had to lose my keys! i dropped them as i was walking into the lift at my arpt & they just HAD TO land in the gap between the lift & the ground. how suay can i be right!???! walao.. i tell u.. when i saw how fast the key went, my heart just broke man.. i couldn't believe this was happening to me, esp after i had such a bad time the night before. i mean, how unlucky can a person get right!? sigh.. & worse still i couldn't even get my agent to help me cuz she's just such a selfish B****. argh! sorry.. i'm using a mean word on her. i asked her if she had a spare key & she said she didn't & that if anything she can only help me on monday cuz today is a sat! like, wth right! stoopit sucky lady! hrumph!!

so i was in angie's crying my heart out man.. it was such a double blow. i was feeling so depressed &tired after last night, & having to sort of pretend that nothing had happened in front of the others at upcell & cg picnic. & coming home & finding my keys dropped & that i couldn't even go back to my own house. it really seemed too much man..

so anywae it cost me $175 to get the locksmith to cut a new key for me & deliver it.. sigh.. he didn't even have to pick the darn lock cuz they already have a record of my key shape in the computer.. but he had to drive all the way frm the suburb & go to the office to get it done for me, plus it was saturday.. so basically i just burned a hole in my pocket. sigh.

& u noe what... the fact that i lost my key wasn't really the worse thing that happened on sat. to me, words hurt more then the lost key. when someone called me & i told that person what had happened, i was laughed at.. & that REALLY REALLY hurt. sorry, i dunno if u'll read this- & i know that if u do, u'll just get angry with me for not being tactful by writing all this up. but if i didn't, i wouldn't be able to get out of my system & basically you wouldn't really know why i'm angry at you, cuz i definately wouldn't tell u this face to face. i'm not the confrontational sort.

yes, mayb i can just write all this inconsideration & insensitivity off as you being your natural 'small girl' self. but, if we were really friends- close ones-... a good friend wouldn't have laughed in the ear (since we were on the fone) of another when she was already feeling so down & upset abt the lost keys. i can still hear your laughter in my ears ringing now. & i can't believe i'm tearing again as i type this. if the key problem had happened to you, i wouldn't have laughed at you! i mean, is sympathy & yes, tact from you.. is that too much to ask? you say i'm not tactful... but honestly, are you? & worse still, u came by angie's & got your things & didn't say a word of sorry or consolation- instead i could see on ur face that u thot all this was oh so funny & you had the cheek to ask me: " were you crying just now?"

ok, i'm sorry if i'm just judging you for the wrong reasons. i would like to believe that you didn't realise that your words hurt me, that you didn't know your actions & the look on your face hurt deep. but i can't.. cuz i can't believe that after knowing each other so well for more than a yr, you can still be so insensitive. but i am sorry for having shouted at you on the phone. come to think of it, i have not done that to anyone in years, not even my mum on friday night. but anger overcame me & your laughing struck deep.

i dunno how we're gonna get over this obstacle. i dunno if u even want to try to get it over. i dunno if u even know how much you've hurt me. but i'm tired of the pandering to others' feelings, i'm tired of trying my best to love others, only to get hurt in return.

i still dunno how i'll face you tomorrow in school.. but i'll try. i still pray for you despite what you've done cuz i still care abt you. there's just so much you can do for God, if only u would choose to grow up, grow stronger, listen & seek Him more. but well. i tink i've done my best in trying to encourage & lead you. its up to you now. Jesus walks 3/4 of the road towards you & all He wants from you is to take steps to complete the remainding 1/4. will you?

i realise that i started out this blog writing about my horrid wkend & have ended up trying to counsel someone who has hurt me deep. sigh. Vivien, what is wrong with you?

anywae, its late & i have 9am class tmr. i shall end my bad wkend with a huge thankew to a few pple..

april gal, thanks for praying & listening to my sob story on fri nite.. sorry i woke you frm ur slp.. but really thank you for being there when i most needed a listening ear.

gie (& chad & josh), thanks so much for the consoling & the helping out when i lost my keys.. thanks for the food & drink you guys provided & the love & concern you showed me when i was so down.

of course, mostly i thank God. He has brought me thru yet another trial. perhaps He knew i needed to get to my knees & cry out to Him for help again. i haven't done that in a pretty long while..